


And that’s what you missed on Haikyuu!!

by jercydee



Series: Haikyuu!! NaNoWriMo 2018 [25]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Bad Fic, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon Compliant, Canon Retelling, F/F, Fandom Allusions & Cliches & References, Fanon, Gen, Humor, M/M, Metafiction, NaNoWriMo, Nutshell Retelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-08-30 04:10:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16757410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jercydee/pseuds/jercydee
Summary: NaNoWriMo Day 26: Nutshell-Style Canon RetellingAn awful recap ofHaikyuu!!done like nutshell-style 2000s fanfic. This is meant to make fun of HQ!! fandom/fanon/fic in good jest so please do not take it seriously.Warning: Manga spoilers post-Shiratorizawa match, up to Chapter 292 just in case. All pairings can be read as slash or gen. Also includes a lot of my personal opinions because I wrote it  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯





	And that’s what you missed on Haikyuu!!

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to cleanse my palette after doing [AU Week](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1190620).
> 
> F'real, do _not_ take this seriously. I wrote [crackfic about a volleydong](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16797196) and this is worse than that. Just take the attempt at humour for what it is lol.
> 
> Un-beta'd and horrifically so, I apologize /o\

Hinata is orange volleyball Naruto. His flaw is that he is too short. His power is that he can run across a court in literal seconds and can jump over double his height. He wants to become his idol, the Little Giant, a volleyball ace who’s short like him. He’s never called that though—in fact, he usually receives nicknames like shrimpy or shorty. He makes a lot of squawking bird noises when he’s excited. He also gets into a lot of trouble whenever he tries to go to a bathroom (at least his bathroom song is cute?).

Kageyama is Hinata’s rival—like Sasuke, but nowhere near as emo. He does have capital-i Issues, though. He’s the King of the Court, but he doesn’t want to be. He sorts out his problems during a volleyball match. He pouts a lot, which is very cute because he is also a blueberry. He has a setter soul and is extremely talented. His favourite thing to say is, “Hinata, _boke!_ ” (“Hinata, dumbass!”)

The two meet at the only volleyball match Hinata attends during middle school, where they decide they are each other’s destined rivals.

 _Surprise!_  They both attend the same high school, Karasuno.

 _Bigger surprise!_  They have freaky soulmate-like instincts that make them incredibly compatible on-court, so they’re dubbed the Weirdo Duo.

Kageyama and Hinata bicker and challenge each other a lot. One time they raced they accidentally ended up in another school. This is normal. One time they actually had a fistfight. That was not normal. They are Karasuno’s dumbest players, which is saying a lot quite frankly.

Daichi is the boys’ volleyball team captain. He is very responsible and sometimes acts like a dad by lecturing his team. (People forget that he has petty rivalries with other captains and accidentally set off a fire alarm once.) He is very buff. The author wants to be crushed by his thighs—many other fans agree with the sentiment.

Suga is the team’s vice-captain. He is very caring and nurturing, so he gets called the Team Mom. (People forget that he laughs at his teammates when Daichi is scolding them, or that he assumes when a girl holds his hand she’s asking for marriage.) He is very beautiful, like an angel.

Asahi is the team’s ace. Please don’t scare him—he has a lot of anxiety. He is the very definition of the “looks like he can kill you but is actually a cinnamon roll” meme. He’s quite capable when someone (usually Daichi or Nishinoya) gives him a kick in the ass. He hates that his so-called friends think he looks like Jesus with his headband on. The author wants to marry him.

Nishinoya invented rolling thunder as Karasuno’s guardian deity. He is the shortest on the team, but please don’t bring that up unless you’re looking for trouble. Please _do_  call him senpai. He speaks almost exclusively with exclamation marks and has the cutest laugh on the planet according to the author. He will lay his life on the line for Shimizu Kiyoko (and also Asahi).

Tanaka is the resident ~~baldy~~  tough guy. He can be rowdy and irresponsible, but is also very headstrong and ultimately reliable in a pinch. His current arc involving a childhood female friend is making him act like a fuckboy and the author is very upset about this. He, too, will lay his life on the line for Shimizu Kiyoko.

Ennoshita is very tired rounding up fellow his second-years. Sometimes Daichi asks him to look after the first years too and that’s exhausting. He wants to become more passionate so he can be the next captain that Karasuno deserves. What he doesn’t realize is that he’s already plenty passionate—just look at all his movies!

Kinoshita and Narita are existing characters in this series. Please don’t forget about them. They’re both very good boys who deserve to be recognized more. Kinoshita should have more confidence and Narita needs more screentime. The author treasures these two second-years very much.

Tsukishima is a walking french fry: long, yellow, and salty. He could melt black ice with the amount of salt he has. Don’t worry though, he’s actually quite the tsundere—very soft beneath all the salt. He has dinosaur figurines in his room, therefore he is a nerd. His childhood best friend is Yamaguchi.

Yamaguchi is the team pinch server. He always does his best because he just wants to play on the court. Why anyone would keep him as a benchwarming pinch server when he explicitly states that he wants to be a team regular confuses the author greatly (just let him play during games!). His favourite food is soft french fries.

Shimizu Kiyoko is the most beautiful woman on the planet. This is just facts. She has an entire team that will die for her. She’s very athletic and cares about her boys a lot.

Yachi Hitoka is trying to stay alive. Please remind her to breathe so she doesn’t accidentally throw up her heart. She has a lot to learn but she’s ready to finally give something her all. She’s going to be the volleyball club manager!

(Sidenote: Yachi is in love with Shimizu. There is no arguing against this.)

Takeda is not Yuuri Katsuki. The author first watched _Haikyuu!!_  after finishing _Yuri!! on Ice_  and has to remind themself this sometimes. He’s probably not Little Giant, but _bro, could you imagine if he was?_  He’s very passionate about the boys’ volleyball club even though he knows nothing about the sport. He is terrifying when angry and has the ugliest crying face ever as far as the author is concerned.

Ukai Keishin is not Takeda’s boyfriend, though hardcore fans desperately wish he was. He’s constantly getting set-up to meet other girls because his family wants him to settle down already (the author suggests that Ukai dates Takeda so he can finally stop their nagging). He probably needs a lot more rest because he keeps up with the volleyball team _and_ works at his parents’ store.

Karasuno has a long, ongoing rivalry against Nekoma High School, all of whom are cats (yes, even Inuoka, the only puppy on the team). They want to Battle at the Trash Heap and fulfill their old coaches’ wishes. Before they do, they have to defeat a Wall, the Great King, and not-actually-an-anime-villain-but-totally-sounds-like-one Ushijima Wakatoshi. Along the way the team befriends cats, owls, and other ~~shitty~~  city boys.

The tournament is coming up. Or already happening. (Sometimes both at the same time depending on how many fanfics a reader juggles.) Everyone is at a training camp. Those are the author’s favourites.

Karasuno is great, though they have a lot to learn before they’re ready to battle anyone at any venue. But the author believes that they can win the Spring High Tournament.

.

.

.

.

.

And that’s what you missed on _Haikyuu!!_

**Author's Note:**

> BONUS:
>
>> **hinata:**  UWOOOOH  
>  **kageyama:**  BOKE!! / DUMBASS!!  
> *they kiss and/or fuck*  
>   
>  **daichi:**  i’m the team dad and also buffer than you  
>  **suga:**  i’m the team mom and also a ho  
> *they kiss and/or fuck*  
>   
>  **noya:**  ROLLINGGGGGUUUU THUNDAAAAHHHHH  
>  **asahi:**  please hold me i am anxiety  
>  **noya:**  okay  
>  **asahi:**  *is hold by nishinoya*  
> *they kiss and/or fuck*  
>   
>  **yachi:**  please also hold me i am anxiety and very gay  
>  **kiyoko:**  okay  
> *they kiss and/or fuck*  
>   
>  **tsukishima:**  shut up, yamaguchi  
>  **yamaguchi:**  sorry, tsukki!  
> *they kiss and/or fuck*  
>   
>  **tanaka:**  kIYOKO-SAN!!!  
>  **tanaka, internally:**   _ennoshita..._  
>  **ennoshita:**  i am the greatest movie director alive  
> *they kiss and/or fuck*  
>   
>  **kinoshita & narita:** ???????? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
>   
>  **me:**  why are all of these ship names so gd long  
> 
> 
>   
> Thank you for reading! Kudos give me life and comments will be handed a cookie<3
> 
> [NaNoWriMo profile](https://nanowrimo.org/participants/jercydee)  
> [NaNo Tumblr](https://jercythesiscrying2018.tumblr.com) / []()Rebloggable version of this fic (TBA)  
> [Main Blog](http://striveattemptfail.tumblr.com)


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